I dreamt about you last night. You had a long white dress and a little girl in your arms. I never saw you smile like that. I sat there and watched you with her, spinning around like the world was yours. It brought me so much peace.
I know it’s been a while, kid. It’s not easy doing this. I think about you day and night.
You are far away. And I didn’t ask you why. You just walked away. And I just watched you. What could I say?
I have questions. I have plans. I have disappointments.
I wish I could be a spy inside your brain. Can you imagine? Finding yourself in someone’s thoughts? I’d be handsome, and tall. He would teach me to be the man you always needed. I wouldn’t fuck up this time.
I want to start over. I want to go home to you; crack you up. We’d babble nonsense all night, and go to sleep by dawn. I’d fall in love with you, no matter what you’d said.
I admire you. I miss you. I love you.
My friends are somewhere getting wasted. My mind is racing to places I don’t want to go to. You’re saying things I don’t recognize. Have you found him? Did you tell him about me? You can tell him I’ve changed. We’ll pretend it’s true, if only for tonight. He’ll lend us the guest room; wine and a bird, caving in. Is he real? Did he really do it? Can you still love him?
No one can haunt me the way you do. It’s not your fault, not mine either. I’m sorry it had to be this way, K. An only life can take so long to climb.
Soon, you can take me and ever keep me. We’ll be the strangers we ever were, forever and ever after. How close am I to losing you?
You just close your eyes. I’ll watch you sleep away.